Competitors Demand Drug Test After Hearing ‘That’s Just My Prilosec, Sweetie’
MILLERVILLE, OHIO – The underground racing world was turned upside down last Saturday night when 72-year-old Ethel Mae Brickworth smoked the competition in her powder-blue 1993 Toyota Corolla, leaving a trail of bewildered street racers and burning rubber in her wake at the abandoned Kmart parking lot on Route 34.
What started as a routine illegal racing meet quickly descended into chaos when Brickworth, affectionately known as “Granny Gear” by locals, pulled up to the starting line with her turn signal still blinking and classical music softly playing from her AM radio. Competitors initially assumed the elderly woman had simply gotten lost on her way to Wednesday night bingo.
“I thought she was looking for the Walmart,” admitted street racer Kyle “Nitrous” Henderson, whose heavily modified Honda Civic was left eating dust. “But then she started revving that four-cylinder engine, and something didn’t sound right. That thing was purring like it had secrets.”
The race began innocuously enough, with five high-performance vehicles lined up against Brickworth’s seemingly modest sedan. However, within seconds of the green light, witnesses report the Corolla launched forward with supernatural acceleration, reaching speeds that defied both physics and common sense.
“That car moved like it was possessed,” said shocked onlooker Maria Santos, who captured the entire event on her phone. “One second she’s doing maybe 20, the next she’s a blur. I’ve never seen anything like it. The speedometer on my boyfriend’s car goes up to 160, and she passed us like we were standing still.”
The victory margin was so decisive that several competitors immediately accused Brickworth of using performance-enhancing substances. When confronted by angry racers demanding to inspect her vehicle, the grandmother calmly reached into her oversized purse and produced a bottle of Prilosec, stating matter-of-factly, “That’s just my Prilosec, sweetie.”
However, automotive conspiracy theorist Dr. Marcus Velocity believes there’s more to this story than meets the eye. “We’re looking at either the most sophisticated engine modification in street racing history, or something far more sinister,” Dr. Velocity explained from his underground garage laboratory. “The government has been experimenting with elderly citizens as test subjects for decades. This could be the result of classified military technology disguised as heartburn medication.”
Further investigation revealed disturbing details about Brickworth’s background. County records show she’s lived in the same modest ranch house for 47 years, has never received a speeding ticket, and volunteers at the local animal shelter every Tuesday. On the surface, she appears to be an ordinary retiree who enjoys crossword puzzles and watching Jeopardy.
But racing insiders aren’t buying it. Several competitors noted that Brickworth’s driving technique was eerily professional, complete with perfect heel-toe downshifting and apex-hitting precision that would make Formula One drivers weep with envy.
“Nobody learns to drive like that from Sunday trips to church,” Henderson insisted. “She was hitting racing lines I’ve only seen in video games. And when she won, she didn’t even celebrate. Just rolled down her window and asked if anyone knew where she could get a good tuna melt at this hour.”
The mystery deepened when investigators attempted to examine the Corolla’s engine bay, only to discover that Brickworth had already driven home, citing her 9 PM curfew. Attempts to locate her the following day proved fruitless, as neighbors reported seeing her car in the driveway but claimed she was “probably napping.”
Local authorities have launched a discrete investigation, though they refuse to comment on reports that similar incidents involving senior citizens and impossibly fast economy cars have been documented in seventeen other states.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
