Big Hydro in Shambles as Conspiracy Theorists Nod Knowingly
ATLANTIS CITY, NEVADA – A groundbreaking new study conducted by the Institute for Controversial Research has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and left bottled water executives scrambling for damage control. The peer-reviewed research, spanning over 200 years of data collection, has conclusively determined that 100% of individuals who consume water will eventually perish.
Dr. Hydrophobia McWetterson, the lead researcher behind this explosive revelation, claims that Big Hydro has been suppressing this information for decades. “The correlation is undeniable,” McWetterson declared during a press conference held in an undisclosed bunker. “We’ve tracked every single person who has ever consumed H2O, and the mortality rate is absolutely staggering – a perfect 100%.”
The study, which analyzed historical records dating back to the 1800s, reveals a disturbing pattern that has somehow escaped mainstream scientific scrutiny until now. Every human being who has ever taken so much as a sip of water has either died or is currently in the process of dying, according to the researchers.
“I always knew something was fishy about water,” said local conspiracy theorist and professional sandwich board carrier, Dry Pete Dusterton. “You drink it, you die. You don’t drink it, you die faster. It’s a classic double-bind psychological operation designed to keep us dependent on the liquid industrial complex.”
The revelation has sent the bottled water industry into complete disarray. Stock prices for major water corporations plummeted overnight, with Nestle executives reportedly locked in emergency meetings while surrounded by cases of energy drinks and coffee. Several water company CEOs have gone into hiding, with one anonymous source claiming they’ve retreated to a secret underwater base where they survive solely on IV drips of electrolytes.
The study’s methodology has been praised by alternative health researchers worldwide. Scientists examined birth and death certificates, cross-referencing them with water consumption data obtained through what they describe as “creative intelligence gathering techniques.” The results were so consistent that researchers initially suspected their data had been tampered with by pro-hydration activists.
“The water lobby doesn’t want you to know the truth,” explained Dr. McWetterson. “They’ve spent billions convincing people that water is ‘essential for life’ and ‘necessary for basic biological functions.’ But look at the facts – every single water drinker eventually succumbs to what medical professionals euphemistically call ‘natural causes.'”
The findings have gained unexpected support from various fringe groups who have long suspected water’s sinister properties. The International Society of Breatharians issued a statement saying they “weren’t surprised” by the results, while several desert survival forums have begun promoting “extreme dehydration therapy” as a potential longevity treatment.
Government agencies have remained suspiciously silent about the study’s implications. The Environmental Protection Agency declined to comment, with one anonymous official stating only that “water regulation is a complex issue involving multiple stakeholders and extensive corporate partnerships.”
Meanwhile, health food stores across the nation report a surge in sales of alternative hydration methods, including expensive “water-free moisture supplements” and “atmospheric humidity absorption crystals.” Several entrepreneurs have already launched crowdfunding campaigns for “post-water survival kits.”
The study’s publication has also sparked heated debates on social media, with the hashtag #WaterGate trending worldwide. Supporters share testimonials about deceased relatives who were known water consumers, while skeptics point to the obvious logical fallacies in the research.
As the controversy continues to unfold, Dr. McWetterson remains defiant in the face of criticism from the scientific establishment. “The truth is out there,” she concluded. “And it’s wetter than they want you to believe.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
