Kourtney crowned queen of craters
CALABASAS, CA – The Kardashian empire has officially gone galactic, sources confirm, after the reality TV dynasty successfully launched their own planet into Earth’s solar system last Tuesday, complete with a revolutionary selfie-to-orbit technology that transforms every photo taken on the celestial body into an instant solar satellite.
The pink-hued planet, tentatively named “Kardashia Prime,” emerged from what NASA insiders describe as a “cosmically impossible” event involving Kim Kardashian’s makeup compact, a full moon, and approximately 847 million Instagram likes concentrated into a single moment during Kylie’s latest product launch livestream.
“I was just doing my usual morning jog when I looked up and saw this enormous, glittery sphere rising behind the Hollywood sign,” reported Beverly Hills resident Margaret Timmins, who captured the phenomenon on her phone before the device mysteriously transformed into a limited-edition SKIMS crop top. “It was definitely pink, definitely sparkly, and I could swear I heard someone saying ‘Bible, that’s so cute’ echoing from space.”
Government officials have remained suspiciously quiet about the sudden appearance of Earth’s newest planetary neighbor, but leaked documents from an undisclosed space agency reveal the family has been secretly collaborating with alien technology brokers since 2019. The breakthrough came when researchers discovered that the electromagnetic frequency of a perfectly executed duck-face selfie matches the exact vibrational pattern needed to achieve sustainable orbit around the sun.
Kourtney Kardashian, who reportedly discovered a series of ancient craters on the planet’s surface that spell out “POOSH” in perfect cursive, has been declared the official Queen of Craters by the Intergalactic Beauty Council. Palace sources—yes, there’s already a palace made entirely of rose gold and organic kale chips—confirm that her first royal decree established mandatory juice cleanses for all planetary inhabitants.
Dr. Vladimir Kosminski, professor of Celebrity Astrophysics at the underground University of Hidden Sciences, warns that this development represents a fundamental shift in how reality TV intersects with cosmic forces. “What we’re witnessing is unprecedented,” Kosminski explained during a clandestine meeting in a Las Vegas parking garage. “The Kardashians have essentially weaponized vanity to manipulate gravitational fields. Every selfie taken on Kardashia Prime doesn’t just capture their image—it literally propels that image into solar orbit, creating an ever-expanding ring of glamour shots circling our sun.”
The implications are staggering. Astronomers report that Earth’s skies now shimmer with millions of high-definition selfies, each one perfectly lit and featuring the family’s signature contouring techniques. Solar panels worldwide have inexplicably begun producing 340% more energy, apparently supercharged by the constant bombardment of professionally filtered photographs.
Meanwhile, Pete Davidson was spotted constructing what appears to be a rocket ship in his backyard, using nothing but energy drinks and discarded SNL scripts. Sources close to the comedian suggest he’s planning his own planetary conquest, though his world would reportedly feature significantly more pizza and considerably fewer waist trainers.
The Vatican has issued a cryptic statement calling the planet’s creation “divinely inspired product placement,” while the United Nations scrambles to establish diplomatic relations with the new celestial territory. Early negotiations have stalled over Kris Jenner’s demand that all international treaties be signed in sparkly pink ink and notarized by at least three different brand ambassadors.
As Kardashia Prime continues its stately orbit, trailing glittering selfies like cosmic breadcrumbs, one thing remains certain: the family that turned reality TV into an empire has now literally moved their brand beyond earthly limitations, transforming narcissism into a renewable energy source and proving once again that in the Kardashian universe, even the laws of physics bow to perfectly applied highlighter.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
