Holy text includes liner notes
NEW YORK, NY – In a shocking revelation that has sent ripples through both the music industry and religious communities worldwide, Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs has officially launched what he calls “The Church of Eternal Remix,” a groundbreaking new faith system based entirely on the spiritual power of musical remixes and featuring sacred texts complete with detailed liner notes.
The bombshell announcement came during a secretive ceremony held in an undisclosed Manhattan recording studio, where Combs, now calling himself “Reverend P. Diddy Divine,” unveiled his revolutionary religious doctrine to a select group of believers and industry insiders. Sources close to the hip-hop mogul reveal that he’s been developing this mystical musical theology for over three years, working with a team of theologians, sound engineers, and what he describes as “vibrational spiritual advisors.”
According to leaked documents obtained by this reporter, the Church of Eternal Remix operates on the fundamental belief that original songs represent the “base reality” of human existence, while remixes serve as “divine interventions” that reveal hidden truths and elevated consciousness. The religion’s holy text, dubbed “The Sacred Tracklist,” reportedly contains over 400 pages of spiritual guidance, with each chapter accompanied by comprehensive liner notes detailing the specific equipment, studio locations, and “spiritual collaborators” involved in its creation.
“I witnessed the birth of something truly cosmic,” whispered Marcus Thompson, a backup vocalist who claims to have been present during one of Combs’ early religious recording sessions. “Puff was in the booth, but it wasn’t just music anymore. He was channeling something otherworldly. The bass drops weren’t just beats – they were like spiritual earthquakes. And those liner notes… they contained prophetic information about the future of humanity’s relationship with sound frequencies.”
The Church’s doctrine allegedly teaches that different musical elements possess distinct spiritual properties. According to insider reports, drum machines represent the heartbeat of the universe, synthesizers channel interdimensional communications, and vocal samples from classic soul records contain the preserved wisdom of ascended musical masters. Most controversially, the faith teaches that auto-tune technology was actually reverse-engineered from alien vocal modification systems discovered at Area 51.
Dr. Helena Westbrook, a professor of contemporary religious movements at Columbia University, expressed both fascination and concern about Combs’ latest venture. “What we’re seeing here is a completely unprecedented fusion of celebrity culture, music industry practices, and genuine spiritual seeking,” she explained. “The inclusion of liner notes in sacred texts is particularly intriguing from an anthropological standpoint. It suggests a religion that’s entirely transparent about its creative process, which is almost unheard of in traditional faiths.”
The Church of Eternal Remix has reportedly already attracted hundreds of followers, including several prominent DJs, producers, and what sources describe as “spiritually awakened audiophiles.” Members, known as “Divine Mixers,” participate in weekly “Remix Ceremonies” where classic songs are spiritually reimagined through collaborative prayer and advanced audio manipulation technology.
Perhaps most shocking of all are the rumors surrounding the religion’s ultimate goal. Multiple sources suggest that Combs believes he can achieve what he calls “The Ultimate Remix” – a musical composition so spiritually powerful that it will fundamentally alter human consciousness and usher in a new era of global harmony.
The IRS has already begun investigating the Church’s tax-exempt status application, while several major record labels are reportedly in negotiations for exclusive distribution rights to the sacred remixes. Meanwhile, Combs has announced plans for a massive religious festival this summer, promising “bass drops that will literally open your third eye.”
As this story continues to develop, one thing remains certain: the music industry – and possibly human spirituality itself – may never be the same.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
