“He’s tall, strong, and mysterious,” Trump says
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking move that has sent ripples through the Pentagon and cryptozoology communities alike, President-elect Donald Trump has reportedly selected the legendary creature known as Bigfoot to serve as his Secretary of Defense, sources close to the transition team revealed exclusively to Weekly World News.
The stunning appointment came to light during a classified briefing at Mar-a-Lago, where witnesses claim they saw an enormous, hair-covered figure standing beside Trump as he announced his most controversial cabinet pick yet. The creature, standing an estimated 8 feet tall and weighing approximately 600 pounds, allegedly communicated through a series of grunts and gestures that Trump somehow understood perfectly.
“He’s tall, strong, and mysterious,” Trump explained to stunned aides. “Nobody knows more about defending territory than Bigfoot. He’s been doing it in the Pacific Northwest for decades – maybe centuries – and never lost a single battle. That’s the kind of winning record I want protecting America.”
The cryptid, whose real name is believed to be something unpronounceable in an ancient forest dialect, has reportedly been living in the Cascade Mountains for the past 40 years. Intelligence sources suggest that Bigfoot first came to Trump’s attention through a secret Department of Defense file labeled “Project Sasquatch,” which detailed the creature’s alleged involvement in covert military operations during the Cold War.
Marlene Kowalski, a Bigfoot researcher who claims to have encountered the creature multiple times near Mount Rainier, expressed amazement at the news. “I always knew he was more than just a forest dweller,” Kowalski told Weekly World News. “During my third sighting in 1987, I watched him construct what appeared to be defensive fortifications using fallen logs and boulders. His tactical knowledge seemed far beyond that of any ordinary primate.”
The appointment has already sparked intense debate among military experts and cryptozoologists. Dr. Heinrich Krause, a former Pentagon analyst who now studies unknown species, believes the selection makes perfect strategic sense. “Bigfoot represents the ultimate stealth warrior,” Dr. Krause explained. “For generations, he’s evaded capture by the world’s most advanced military while defending his territory against all intruders. His elusive nature and apparent invulnerability make him an ideal candidate for modern asymmetrical warfare.”
Pentagon insiders report that Bigfoot’s first briefing with Joint Chiefs of Staff lasted nearly four hours, conducted entirely through interpreters fluent in what experts call “Sasquatch Sign Language.” Military sources describe the creature’s strategic proposals as “unconventional but surprisingly sophisticated,” focusing heavily on forest-based defense systems and guerrilla tactics.
The appointment process reportedly began months ago when Trump’s team made contact through a network of Pacific Northwest guides and tribal elders. Negotiations were said to be complex, involving promises of federal protection for wilderness areas and a steady supply of salmon and berries delivered to the Pentagon.
Environmental groups have expressed cautious optimism about having a forest-dwelling creature in such a high-level position, while defense contractors worry about Bigfoot’s apparent preference for organic, low-tech solutions over expensive weapons systems.
Republican senators privately admit they’re uncertain how to handle the confirmation hearings, particularly given Bigfoot’s communication limitations and tendency to become agitated under bright lights. Democrats have already signaled they plan to challenge the appointment on constitutional grounds, arguing that the creature’s citizenship status remains unclear.
Trump dismissed such concerns, insisting that Bigfoot’s decades of successful territorial defense speak louder than any documentation issues. “He’s been protecting American soil longer than most politicians have been alive,” Trump declared. “That’s patriotism you can’t fake.”
The swearing-in ceremony is tentatively scheduled for a dawn ritual in the Rose Garden, with special accommodations being made for Bigfoot’s nocturnal preferences and dietary requirements.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
