Owner blames haunted leftovers
MILWAUKEE, WI – A local woman’s kitchen has become ground zero for what paranormal investigators are calling the most bizarre case of supernatural condiment communication ever documented. Sandra Kellerman, 42, discovered cryptic messages spelled out in Heinz ketchup on her refrigerator’s interior walls last Tuesday morning, launching an investigation that has left experts baffled and her neighbors terrified.
The chilling discovery began when Kellerman opened her Whirlpool refrigerator to retrieve coffee creamer and found the words “YOUR EXPIRED YOGURT JUDGES YOU” meticulously written in ketchup across the top shelf. What she initially dismissed as an elaborate prank by her teenage son quickly escalated into a full-blown supernatural crisis when security cameras revealed no human activity in the kitchen overnight.
“I thought maybe it was my imagination, but then I found ‘THE MILK KNOWS WHAT YOU DID’ dripping down the vegetable crisper drawer,” Kellerman explained, her hands trembling as she showed reporters photographs of the condiment communications. “That’s when I knew something seriously wrong was happening in my kitchen.”
The messages have appeared nightly for the past two weeks, each more accusatory than the last. Recent ketchup compositions include “YOUR LEFTOVER LASAGNA WEEPS,” “THE CHEESE WHISPERS YOUR SECRETS,” and most disturbingly, “WE REMEMBER EVERY FORGOTTEN MEAL.”
Dr. Mortimer Blackthorne, professor of Paranormal Gastronomy at the Institute for Unexplained Culinary Phenomena, believes the case represents a breakthrough in understanding food-based hauntings. “What we’re witnessing here is a classic manifestation of what I call ‘Refrigerated Rage Syndrome,'” Blackthorne declared after examining the evidence. “The accumulated psychic energy from neglected leftovers has reached a critical mass, enabling deceased foodstuffs to communicate their displeasure through available condiment mediums.”
The situation has deteriorated rapidly since Kellerman’s initial discovery. Neighbors report strange humming sounds emanating from her kitchen at 3 AM, accompanied by the distinct aroma of spoiled produce and supernatural disappointment. The local power grid has experienced unexplained fluctuations, with electrical surges coinciding precisely with each new ketchup message’s appearance.
Kellerman’s attempts to cleanse her refrigerator have proven futile. Professional cleaning services refuse to return after three separate teams reported tools mysteriously moving and overwhelming feelings of guilt about their own food waste. One cleaner, who requested anonymity, described experiencing vivid flashbacks of every banana he’d allowed to turn brown.
The haunted appliance has begun expanding its communication methods. Yesterday morning, Kellerman discovered her mustard rearranged to spell “THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS DEMAND JUSTICE” while her mayonnaise had been sculpted into what appeared to be tiny tombstones commemorating forgotten leftovers.
Food psychologist Dr. Rebecca Sterling warns that similar phenomena may be occurring in refrigerators nationwide. “The average American wastes 20 pounds of food monthly,” Sterling noted. “If emotional trauma can indeed accumulate in preserved foods, we may be facing an epidemic of vengeful vegetables and resentful dairy products.”
The case has attracted international attention from paranormal researchers and condiment manufacturers alike. Heinz representatives declined to comment on whether their ketchup possesses supernatural writing capabilities, though company stock has mysteriously risen 12% since news broke.
Kellerman now sleeps with one eye open, afraid to enter her kitchen after dark. Her refrigerator’s latest message, discovered this morning in elaborate ketchup calligraphy, simply read: “THE FORGOTTEN FEAST THEIR REVENGE UPON THE FORGETFUL.”
Local authorities have cordoned off the kitchen pending further investigation, though they admit being completely unprepared for crimes involving militant condiments and deceased dairy products.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
