His tweets cause minor earthquakes
MEMPHIS, TN – The world’s most legendary figures have reportedly fled the United States in a desperate exodus after martial arts icon Chuck Norris joined Twitter last Tuesday, sending shockwaves—quite literally—across the nation with his earth-shaking tweets.
According to classified government sources who spoke on condition of anonymity, Elvis Presley, Bigfoot, and a high-ranking alien diplomat known only as “Zephyr-7” were spotted boarding a mysterious aircraft at a remote airstrip outside Graceland just hours after Norris’s first tweet registered a 2.3 magnitude tremor on seismographs nationwide.
The King of Rock and Roll, who has been living in witness protection since faking his death in 1977, was allegedly seen carrying a sequined suitcase and his favorite peanut butter and banana sandwich maker as he hurried toward the craft. Bigfoot, wearing an oversized fedora and sunglasses in a comical attempt at disguise, lumbered behind him carrying what appeared to be emergency survival gear and several boxes of beef jerky.
“I saw the whole thing through my binoculars,” claims Myrtle Henderson, a local bird watcher who happened to be in the area. “Elvis was muttering something about ‘that crazy karate man’ and how his tweets were ‘shaking up more than just his hips.’ The big hairy fella looked absolutely terrified, kept looking over his shoulder like Chuck Norris was gonna roundhouse kick him from 50 miles away.”
The alien, described by witnesses as resembling a tall, silver-skinned humanoid wearing what appeared to be a diplomatic sash, was reportedly overheard communicating in an otherworldly language that roughly translated to “emergency evacuation protocols” according to government xenolinguists.
The crisis began when Chuck Norris, 84, decided to embrace social media after years of resistance. His inaugural tweet—a simple “Hello Twitter. Chuck Norris has arrived.”—immediately caused windows to rattle from California to Maine. Seismologists initially attributed the phenomenon to underground nuclear testing, but quickly realized the tremors coincided perfectly with each of Norris’s subsequent posts.
Dr. Reginald Quakemore, a leading expert in supernatural seismology at the Underground Institute of Paranormal Sciences, explained the unprecedented situation: “Chuck Norris’s legendary power has apparently found a new outlet through social media. Each tweet channels his martial arts energy through the internet’s fiber optic cables, creating vibrations that manifest as actual earthquakes. We’re dealing with forces beyond conventional scientific understanding.”
By Thursday, Norris had amassed 50 million followers, and his tweet about his morning workout routine—”Did 1,000 push-ups. The Earth did 1,000 push-ups with me.”—registered as a 4.1 magnitude earthquake centered directly beneath Twitter’s headquarters in San Francisco.
Government insiders reveal that a secret meeting was hastily convened between representatives of Elvis’s underground network, the International Bigfoot Protection Agency, and the Galactic Council of Alien Observers. The unanimous decision: immediate evacuation until the “Norris Tweet Crisis” could be contained.
The mysterious aircraft, described by radar operators as “moving in ways that defy physics while playing what sounded like ‘Hound Dog,'” disappeared from tracking systems approximately 200 miles over the Atlantic Ocean, heading toward an undisclosed location rumored to be either a secret island refuge or an off-world sanctuary.
Twitter executives have reportedly pleaded with Norris to limit his posting frequency, but sources close to the action star indicate he’s just getting started. His latest tweet—”Twitter isn’t ready for Chuck Norris. But Chuck Norris is ready for Twitter.”—caused the San Andreas Fault to hiccup and temporarily knocked three satellites out of orbit.
As authorities scramble to develop “tweet dampening technology,” America’s most famous hidden residents remain in self-imposed exile, waiting for the day it’s safe to return to a world where Chuck Norris communicates in 280 characters or less.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
