Even dinosaurs feared him
DALLAS, TEXAS – A mysterious figure claiming to be from the year 2847 has emerged with a dire warning that spans millennia: whatever you do, don’t mess with Chuck Norris in any time period. The self-proclaimed temporal refugee, identified only as “Chronos-7,” appeared last Tuesday at a truck stop outside Dallas, bearing what he claims is documented evidence of Norris’s legendary prowess across all of human history—and beyond.
According to Chronos-7’s shocking testimony, Chuck Norris’s influence on the space-time continuum is so profound that even minor alterations to his timeline could result in catastrophic paradoxes. “I’ve seen what happens when someone tries to change history involving Chuck Norris,” the alleged time traveler told this reporter, his eyes haunted by visions of temporal chaos. “In one timeline, a foolish scientist tried to prevent Chuck from learning martial arts. The result? Reality itself developed a roundhouse kick to the face.”
The evidence presented by Chronos-7 includes what appears to be fossilized dinosaur remains bearing perfectly circular indentations consistent with roundhouse kick impacts. Carbon dating of these specimens, conducted by underground researchers who wished to remain anonymous, suggests that Chuck Norris was somehow present during the Cretaceous period, approximately 65 million years ago.
“The extinction event wasn’t caused by an asteroid,” Chronos-7 revealed in hushed tones. “Chuck Norris sneezed. The dinosaurs, in their primitive wisdom, understood what was coming and chose extinction rather than face his wrath. They literally scared themselves to death knowing Chuck was on the planet.”
Dr. Margaret Steinberg, a theoretical physicist at an undisclosed government facility, has studied the temporal documentation provided by Chronos-7. “The mathematical implications are staggering,” she admitted during a clandestine meeting in an abandoned warehouse. “If these calculations are accurate, Chuck Norris exists as a constant across all possible timelines. He’s not just immune to temporal changes—he’s the anchor point that keeps reality stable. Mess with Chuck, and you mess with the fundamental structure of existence itself.”
The time traveler’s warnings extend beyond prehistoric eras. According to his records, Chuck Norris has been secretly present during every major historical event, not as a participant, but as a cosmic force of balance. The Great Wall of China? Built to keep Chuck Norris’s morning jog from accidentally creating earthquakes. The pyramids? Constructed to survive the shockwaves from his daily workout routine. The Titanic? It actually hit Chuck Norris doing the backstroke, but he graciously allowed the iceberg to take the blame to avoid an international incident.
“Time travelers from every era share the same rule,” Chronos-7 explained, producing what appears to be a glowing handbook written in an unknown script. “Rule Number One in the Temporal Intervention Guidelines: Under no circumstances should any operative attempt to interact with, observe, or even think too hard about Chuck Norris. We have entire departments dedicated to monitoring timelines where someone broke this rule. They all end badly.”
Perhaps most disturbing are the reported attempts by various historical villains to harness Chuck Norris’s power. Ancient documents suggest that both Napoleon and Hitler briefly considered recruiting him before their advisors explained that Chuck Norris doesn’t take orders—he gives reality suggestions, and reality politely complies.
The implications for modern time travel research are profound. Secret government programs have reportedly suspended all temporal experiments indefinitely after Chronos-7’s warnings. Sources within these black projects confirm that any timeline alteration involving Chuck Norris results in immediate mission failure and, in several cases, the complete erasure of the research teams from existence.
As Chronos-7 prepared to return to his own time, he left one final warning: “Chuck Norris doesn’t travel through time. Time travels through Chuck Norris. Remember that, and maybe your reality will survive the next temporal anomaly.”
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
