NASA cancels emergency plan
HOUSTON, TX – In a stunning turn of events that has left NASA scrambling to explain themselves, martial arts legend and action star Chuck Norris single-handedly prevented what could have been the most catastrophic asteroid impact in human history early Tuesday morning, sources within the space agency have confirmed.
The 2.3-mile-wide space rock, designated 2024-CN by astronomers, was hurtling toward Earth at an alarming 47,000 miles per hour when Norris intercepted it approximately 186,000 miles above the Pacific Ocean at precisely 6:47 AM Eastern Time. Eyewitnesses across the globe reported seeing a brilliant flash of light followed by what appeared to be debris scattered harmlessly into the void of space.
“I was having my morning coffee on my ranch when I noticed something wasn’t quite right in the sky,” Norris told reporters during an impromptu press conference at his Texas home. “Next thing I know, I’m airborne—boots first—delivering what I’d call a standard Tuesday morning roundhouse kick. The asteroid never stood a chance.”
NASA officials, who had been secretly preparing “Operation Last Stand”—a desperate $47 billion plan involving nuclear warheads and prayer circles—abruptly canceled their emergency protocols when satellite imagery confirmed the asteroid had been completely obliterated.
Dr. Miranda Castellanos, a senior astrophysicist at the Johnson Space Center who spoke on condition of anonymity, revealed the shocking truth behind the government’s cover-up. “We’ve been monitoring Chuck’s extranormal capabilities for decades. The man doesn’t just defy the laws of physics—he rewrites them with his bare hands. When we saw that asteroid coming, we knew conventional methods wouldn’t work. We were just hoping Chuck would notice before we had to ask.”
According to classified documents obtained through unnamed sources, this isn’t the first time Norris has intervened in cosmic emergencies. The files allegedly detail seventeen previous incidents dating back to 1982, including the mysterious disappearance of Comet IRAS-Araki-Alcock and the unexplained trajectory change of asteroid 4179 Toutatis in 2004.
The cover-up runs deeper than anyone imagined. Former NASA Administrator Dr. Eugene Blackwell, now retired and living in undisclosed location, broke his silence about the agency’s long-standing “Norris Protocol.”
“Chuck doesn’t just kick asteroids—he kicks them out of existence,” Blackwell explained during a clandestine phone interview. “We have seismographs that register his roundhouse kicks from three states away. The Richter scale goes up to 10, but we had to create a special ‘CN Scale’ that measures up to infinity plus one.”
The implications are staggering. If government sources are to be believed, Earth’s survival may have depended not on advanced technology or international cooperation, but on one man’s supernatural martial arts abilities and his commitment to protecting humanity before his morning meal.
Astronomers worldwide remain baffled by the physics-defying spectacle. The asteroid’s complete vaporization occurred without any of the expected electromagnetic signatures typically associated with high-energy impacts. Instead, monitoring stations detected what scientists are calling “impossible kinetic resonance patterns” consistent with what theoretical physicists have dubbed the “Norris Effect.”
Meanwhile, the Pentagon has remained suspiciously silent about reports that military satellites captured footage of Norris returning to Earth’s atmosphere without any visible means of propulsion, landing softly in his backyard just in time for breakfast.
When asked about his extraordinary feat, Norris remained characteristically modest. “People keep asking me how I breathe in space. The real question is: how does space breathe when I’m there?”
NASA has announced they will continue monitoring near-Earth objects, though insiders suggest their new early warning system may simply be a direct hotline to Norris’s ranch.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
