“No censorship from the cloud,” he claims
PALM BEACH, FL – In a shocking development that has left tech experts and biblical scholars equally bewildered, former President Donald Trump unveiled his revolutionary new social media platform carved directly into massive stone tablets, claiming the ancient medium will finally provide users with “100% uncensorable communication.”
The announcement came during a surprise press conference held at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump stood beside twelve towering limestone slabs, each weighing approximately 2,000 pounds and measuring eight feet tall. The tablets, which Trump has dubbed “TruthStone,” feature crude hieroglyphic-style engravings that allegedly represent the future of digital communication.
“Big Tech has gone too far with their censorship and their algorithms,” Trump declared, running his hand along the rough surface of the nearest tablet. “But they can’t delete stone, folks. They can’t shadow-ban granite. This is communication the way our founding fathers intended – permanent, powerful, and completely immune to the deep state’s digital manipulation.”
The former president explained that users will communicate through a complex system of symbols and pictographs chiseled directly into the stone surface. Each “post” requires a team of trained stonecutters working around the clock, with simple messages taking approximately 6-8 hours to complete, while more complex thoughts could take several days.
Martha Goldstein, a tourist who witnessed the demonstration, seemed mesmerized by the spectacle. “I watched them carve ‘MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN’ into that big rock, and it was like watching history being made,” she said, her eyes wide with amazement. “When they finished the last letter, Trump himself blessed it with some kind of golden hammer. It was the most patriotic thing I’ve ever seen.”
The stone tablets reportedly connect to Trump’s broader media empire through a mysterious process involving “ancient frequencies” and “patriotic vibrations” that somehow transmit the carved messages to subscribers worldwide. Trump insists that government satellites cannot interfere with these “God-given communication channels” because they operate on “biblical wavelengths” that predate modern technology.
Dr. Reginald Stonehaven, a conspiracy technology researcher at the Institute for Alternative Communication Studies, believes Trump may have stumbled onto something revolutionary. “What people don’t realize is that stone has natural properties that make it completely resistant to electromagnetic interference from 5G towers and government mind-control devices,” Stonehaven explained. “If Trump has truly harnessed the ancient power of rock-based communication, he may have created the only truly free speech platform in existence.”
The TruthStone tablets are reportedly being quarried from a secret location in Montana, where Trump claims to have discovered limestone deposits with “unprecedented constitutional properties.” Each tablet costs $50,000 to prepare and can hold roughly 300 characters worth of carved content, making it significantly more expensive per character than any existing social media platform.
Trump announced that the first official TruthStone message will be a 2,000-word manifesto about election integrity, requiring all twelve tablets to complete. Subscribers will receive GPS coordinates to visit the tablets in person, as Trump insists that “real Americans” shouldn’t need the internet to stay informed.
The former president also hinted at future expansions, including “TruthCave” – an underground network of carved message chambers accessible only to premium subscribers, and “PatriotPetroglyph” – a mobile app that somehow translates the stone carvings into smartphone notifications through proprietary “freedom technology.”
Critics have questioned the practicality of the stone-based platform, but Trump remains confident that TruthStone represents the future of uncensorable communication, declaring that “democracy itself will be carved in stone” for generations to come.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
