Customers say he makes “mystical lattes”
PORTLAND, OR –
The truth is out there, and it’s serving up a mean cup of joe. In a shocking twist that has left the Pacific Northwest buzzing, none other than the legendary Bigfoot himself has taken a job as a barista at a trendy Portland coffee shop.
“At first, I couldn’t believe my eyes,” recounts barista trainee Jessica Wilkins, still visibly shaken from her close encounter. “This massive, hairy creature just lumbered in during the morning rush and started working the espresso machine like a pro. The customers were freaking out, but he just flashed this warm, friendly smile and kept on brewing.”
Wilkins’ coworker, shift lead Marcus Ortiz, corroborates the bizarre sighting. “I was about to call the cops, but then he introduced himself as ‘Harry’ and showed me some incredibly dexterous latte art. Those delicate espresso pourings definitely didn’t match his sizeable frame and those huge feet dangling off the stepstool he uses.”
While the existence of Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, has long been relegated to campfire tales and blurry photographs of disputed authenticity, the creature’s apparent career move into the hospitality industry has forced even the most skeptical locals to reevaluate their stance.
“I’ve studied the Pacific Northwest Sasquatch folklore for decades, and this is a startling new development, to say the least,” says Nancy Pridemore, a cryptozoologist at the Willamette Valley Cryptid Institute. “The being’s proclivity for advanced culinary skills and seeming desire for minimum-wage employment defy all previous conceptions we had about the species’ behavior.”
But Pridemore is keeping an open mind as the reports from smitten coffee connoisseurs across Portland continue to pour in. “The witnesses all describe remarkably consistent details – superb foam sculpting abilities, a penchant for incorporating wild roots and botanicals, and a method for infusing drinks with what can only be described as an enigmatic, mystical quality. If Harry’s tenure persists, we may be witnessing a profound new era of cryptid encounters.”
Not all are as eager to welcome the mysterious barista with open arms, however. The Portland Health Department has already issued several citations to the coffee shop over Harry’s insistence on crafting drinks while shirtless, apparently a concession to overheating from the espresso machines. Animal control officers have been monitoring the situation closely as well.
For now, those brave enough can visit the coffee shop and order one of Harry’s famed “Squatchaccinos” to judge the phenomena for themselves. But they had better bring cash – in addition to eschewing proper barista attire, the hirsute latte guru also remains unfamiliar with the concept of accepting debit or credit card payments.
The characters and events depicted in this story are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events is unintentional and purely coincidental.
